Spiritus Aeterna

My favorite thing about this bullshit ploy that thomas made about being so kind and caring is that HE IS THE REASON I DONT HAVE PEACE. He INTENTIONALLY tormented me for years keeping me all fucked up in the head and the heart LONGING for him to help me and used that as a tool to get what he wanted from me. HE IS SUCH A FUCKING LIAR AND A MANIPULATOR. Im obviously over it.

2013 I had just come up out of the tunnel to catch my connecting bus at Benaroya. As I was standing there waiting, I saw a dispute brewing between one of the local flavor and a Driver. It was getting really heated… with my background in crisis intervention and my years of working in shelters I figured I could stroll over there and maybe help diffuse the situation. I was maybe 6 feet away from boarding the bus…. then this: The man pulled out a gun and shot at the driver 4 times.

This was one of those moments when you realize time is an illusion.

Everything slowed. The man standing next to me said “I think we should get out of here.” I said “Yeah, but lets clear the sidewalk first.” And so we did.

I remember yelling through the stunned silence “everybody move, he has a gun.” and then time started moving regular speed again.

Everybody ran, including me. I went around the corners and crouched down just as the shooter came around the corner and ran past me down the street to 2nd ave…where he boarded another bus and was eventually killed by the police.

https://www.seattlepi.com/seattlenews/article/Metro-bus-driver-shot-in-downtown-Seattle-4725721.php

2006 my friend David was crashing with me for a while and wanted to cook dinner as a thank you. He invited his Mom over too and it was this night that she invited me to go Firewalking with her. We took the ferry over to Bainbridge and found our way deep into the woods, eventually locating the log cabin where the event was being held.

Out in the front yard we were all invited to stack the wood that would soon become our 10 foot long walkway. The fire was lit, and three Fire Tenders stayed behind to help the wood burn down… the rest of us went inside the house.

From there, the facilitator took us through a series of Life coaching-esque exercises designed to help us Release Fear, Gaze into your partners eyes! Trust Fall! Move from A to B, only seeing the goal not the obstacles! All the while, through the big bay window, we watched the fire burn down in anticipation.

The facilitator had us gather, she standing in front of the window, as she delivered her inspirational speech and calmed the rising anxiety of the participants. Behind her, the Fire tenders hard at work… THEN THIS: One of the Firetenders caught on fire, right outside the window. One arm flailing she dipped out of sight…. stood back up… BOTH arms blazing…. she dropped out of sight…

At this moment, from my front row seating I could feel the rush of the class behind me standing up, gasping!

Then the facilitator said the single most incredible thing:

“Thats out there, people. WE’RE IN HERE. STAY IN HERE.”

(Da fuq?!?! amazing. Love it!)

She drew everyones attention back to her lesson and carried on, unmoved by stop drop and roll.

We eventually made our way outside and all was well.

I crossed the fire about ten times that night, The facilitators focus and leadership in that moment of chaos remains one of my all time favorite memories.

Here is the thoughtful birthday text Thomas sent me.

You need to be Fucked everyday

It is the only thing truly fulfills you
It is the only thing that makes you feel whole
Gets you out of your head
Stops the wheels from spinning

You need me to fuck you all day

I get to Fuck you whenever I want

It’s as close to Spirit as you get

I’ll take you out
And you will be thinking about me to Fuckng you

I’m not going to talk about Ayahuasca or anything that we talk about or do with anyone else

Why would I?
It’s personal
It’s private
It’s just between you and i

You need to be Fucked right now

It’s so clear

Only I truly know you